I read it five times
but it didn’t make me feel any better about it
I read the update I sent my client. Then I read it again. And again. Until I realized I'd re-read it five times.
I thought, Does this come across the wrong way? and "Was I clear enough?"
These thoughts followed me into the weekend, too. What do they think of me? Am I even doing a good job?
My mind kept replaying it, re-reading it, looping. I guess it was trying to create some semblance of control. That’s just what I do when I don’t trust something.
I even posted about it on LinkedIn — same looping behavior, different context. My anxious brain had decided that skipping one weekly newsletter meant the world was ending and you were all about to cancel me. lol.
So, back to the self-doubt thing. I'm in the middle of rebranding my business. I’m repositioning myself to step into fractional work, moving away from a purely content-producing role. I've been at this for 17+ years. And still, there's a nagging question that won't stop looping: am I even worthy?
Just look at the beginning of this post. I didn't trust myself, or what I wrote to the client. And when the good feedback came? I still didn't trust that either. I was suspicious of it. But why couldn't I trust it? And why did I care so much what they thought of my every move?
Then my therapist said something that stopped me in my tracks:
"It's not that you don't trust them. You just don't trust yourself. So, let's figure out why that is."
Wow. My mind was blown.
So, we dug into that. And here’s where we landed:
There was a time I did trust myself. My intuition led my decisions most of the time. I felt confident then. But if I'm honest about why, it's because I was getting a hell of a lot of external validation. Awards and promotions at work. Sharing my music, performing it for crowds who loved my voice and my words and had no problem praising me outright.
Then came the toxic job that cut me down. My self-esteem went to shit. And I stopped making music, too.
Maybe I never actually trusted myself back then. Maybe I just had a lot of people vouching for me and praising me. Take all that away, and where were my thoughts and feelings about myself in any of it?
After talking to my therapist, I knew exactly where to start rebuilding that self-trust.
I'm most confident in myself when I sing. I feel alive when I create things: art in many forms. Including writing these personal stories for you to read. And not because I'm praised or validated for it, but because I enjoy it. Because I love learning it, and getting better at it. That's where the confidence actually lives: in doing the thing, and working at it, just because.
Is there something you've been wanting to do for no reason at all, other than to feel more like yourself? To get your confidence back? Or are you already doing it?
While you're here... remember that you don't need anyone to hand you the flowers. Make what you want to make anyway. This time, just because you want to.
–Natalie
P.S. — I'll keep you posted on how all this goes. I'm already looking into online communities to support me as I make things for the sheer joy of it. (And okay — the confidence boost, too. 🙂) If any of this landed, leave a comment and tell me what you've been wanting to make. I read every comment. <3
