Everyone else just saw you show up
on inner critics and learning to believe the compliment
The sun was beginning to set and I hadn’t eaten anything but a protein bar all day. My body was buzzing from head to toe, and not in a good way.
It was the overactive nervous system kind of buzzing. The kind I used to feel on the regular not that long ago.
But let me back up.
My workday started just how I thought it would: a planned working session sharing what I’d pulled together to create templates and efficiencies for upcoming projects. I was so confident going in. And the feedback was helpful and good! But then we pivoted to another project. And then pivoted again. My head was spinning by the time that first hour wrapped up.
Instead of spending my day heads down on what I thought I’d be working on, my schedule filled up with last minute Zoom calls stacked on top of the meetings I’d already planned to be involved in. So much context switching. No real time to eat. And rarely a moment to get up and move.
It felt so familiar. Remember when I said I used to not even have time to pee? 😂
It wasn’t an ideal day, that’s for sure. But instead of choosing to ride the waves, I chose to fight one of the strongest currents I’d felt in a while. And I think that was my whole problem.
Photo by Sherise Van Dyk on Unsplash
By the time I was ready to present some more work in the afternoon, my nervous system was on overdrive. I stumbled over my words a few times and definitely didn’t walk into that meeting feeling confident. When it was over, I felt like I had done a horrible job. Instead of feeling like the confident consultant I know I am, I was flustered. My brain was reeling and I began to spiral.
About 30 minutes later, a trusted UX content teammate sent me and the whole team a message saying that I had done a “great job” and thanked me for my hard work.
And my first thought? Oh, she’s just being nice.
We are our own worst critics, aren’t we?
By my 40s, I thought this would stop, at least somewhat. And yet, I’m still questioning myself. Even after someone told me I did a great job. Even after the kudos. Even after the avalanche of gold star emojis!
This got me thinking: why do we trust that nagging, negative voice over everyone else in the room? Why does the inner critic feel more credible than the person who was literally sitting across from us?
I think it’s because we’ve carried criticisms of ourselves the longest. The inner critic knows all our old stories. She’s been collecting all the evidence for years—every shameful moment, stumble, and times we didn’t feel like enough—and omg, she is SO convincing.
Here’s what I’ve learned from doing a lot of inner work though: just because I didn’t have an ideal day or a perfect presentation doesn’t mean I did the worst job ever. The self-doubt is something I have to consistently and consciously work on. It’s a muscle that needs to be trained over and over again, especially on the days when I’m running on a protein bar, caffeine, and adrenaline (and haven’t relaxed since the night before).
And the funny thing is, once I ate a real meal and sat with the good vibes from my teammate for a little while, I felt okay. Actually better than okay. I felt confident again. I also realized that the old Natalie, the one who hadn’t done the inner work yet, would have ruminated over those stumbles for weeks, or even months.
Today’s Natalie though? She ate her takeout dinner and went to bed at peace.
So, what if the next time someone pays you a compliment, you just...believed them? What if they see you exactly as you are, and not what self-doubt tells you to believe?
While you’re here...know that the compliment on your presentation, or your new hair color, was real. The person who said it meant it. Just like you mean it when you pay a genuine compliment to someone else. After all, we are the only ones in the room who hear the inner critic’s narrative.
Everyone else just saw us show up and do the damn thing. 🙂
–Natalie
