I did everything “right”
and the bad thing happened anyway
There I was, be-bopping through Friday. Music cranked all the way up. To-do list shrinking bit by bit. And that glorious feeling of accomplishment before the weekend hits, bringing a smile to my face.
Then, suddenly, my stomach began to churn.
You may know from a previous post that I do everything in my power not to get sick (thanks, OCD!). Especially lately — what with daily announcements of food recalls and outbreaks all over the news. Oof. But last Friday, I decided to trust one of my favorite local restaurants instead of making breakfast at home. I felt safe from food poisoning with this pick, though, considering it's plant-based and allergen-friendly. They also make everything from scratch and grow their own produce. So, I took the risk on takeout.
At first, I thought the pain in my stomach was hunger, no need for alarm. So, I went to the kitchen to find a snack, but quickly realized the mere thought of eating something made me feel worse. That's when I knew something else was up.
I grabbed some Tums, sipped some cold water, breathed deeply, then tried to settle back into work. But this time, I couldn't think straight — especially once the sweating set in. I shut the laptop and wandered into the bedroom to my bed, thinking the anxiety monster was rearing its ugly head. I kept saying out loud, "I don't want to be sick." Which quickly became, "I'm going to be sick."
So, I gave in. Or (TMI) let it…OUT. lol
And then, I felt immediate relief. The sweating stopped. My heart rate returned to normal. But I still felt nauseated. So, for the rest of the weekend, I stuck with what they say to do with acute food poisoning: small sips of water, eventually graduating to sipping broth for electrolytes and some nutrients, and finally nibbling on rice crackers to settle my burning stomach. As I cared for myself, I realized something, too.
I couldn't control getting sick. But I could control what I did next to heal and nurture my body.
I used the weekend to tend to my needs amongst billowy blankets and pillows, surrounded by my favorite comfort shows, all the while drifting in and out of sleep. But I can’t lie: it helped to know I had at least some control in the moment.
However, by Sunday evening, I began to feel pretty shitty as guilt crept in; I couldn't shake the feeling that I had wasted my weekend being unproductive. Frustratingly, that’s how my brain operates, even when sick or recovering from food poisoning. Being unwell should be reason enough to stop and rest, though, right? I'm still learning to believe that.
I know there's usually a root cause for why some of us desire control. I know mine. Several things in my childhood were particularly rough. And as an adult, parts of my personal and professional life I'd rather forget. While I don’t think about it day to day, it's all still living inside my body, attacking my nervous system off and on — complicated familial relationships, friendships gone awry, relentless reorgs at work, diagnoses out of my control. But I'm working my way through it all, little by little.
The question I've been pondering ever since the weekend is this: where are you spending all your energy trying to control something that was never yours to control in the first place?
Because, my friend, you can't control whether you ultimately land the dream job or the client you desperately want to work with.
You can't control whether someone you love takes care of themselves, or, let's face it, even keeps their word.
You can't control what your spouse, child, or friend decides to do with their life.
And you certainly can't control whether or not you get sick.
While you're here...I want you to understand that yes, you can prepare to the best of your ability. You can take precautions to try and evade or ward off certain outcomes. And you can show up as your best self. But after that, it’s important to step back and let the rest unfold however it's supposed to.
Lean into the unknown.
It's a tough lesson to learn, and difficult to embrace. But I'm confident you (and I) can get there with practice and persistence.
And even if we don't, at least we’re trying.
–Natalie
p.s. If you like what you're reading, send this someone’s way.
